Journal
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round n round we go
Hell is the impossibility of reason; whoever spoke those immortal words surely was wise beyond belief. I have found this to be the ultimate truth, when the ability to reason is an impossibility then hell you surely are in. There is an overwhelming feeling of being trapped in a corner when no one is prepared to make an effort to understand. When a situation arises and everyone is so eager to believe you are in the wrong it becomes the ultimate frustration, a frustration which is wholly consuming. The results of not backing down, of standing your ground and sticking by your principals is that everyone around will hate you. The question is whether or not it's worth giving in just to have some peace but in doing so what you are teaching people is that if they gang up on you they can force you to do whatever it is they want.
I have learned over time that being a nice guy doesn't work in this world, I have always wondered how conceited, shallow, spiteful cunts get along in life and always have more than those of us that are genuine. I have always made the effort to be kind and courteous to those around me and in retrospect I have conceded far too easy, too willing to forgive those who sleight me because I thought that being a kind and forgiving, user-friendly person is the way you move forward in life but I have found by doing this it teaches people that they can walk all over me. As mundane as I find people drama to be I now realize that I must partake in it just like everyone else in order to get somewhere.
My first stand since this realization has turned into an impossible situation for me, right off the bat it was dramatized and the offender used her network to gain support and eventually it all came back on me and no one would listen to realize that her behavior was abhorrent, I am in the wrong no matter what simply because I'm lowest on the totem pole of who is cared about the most. Shit rolls down hill, being the low man by definition means that I cannot win. I have accepted that I cannot win but it is more important for me to learn and persevere, to teach those around me that I will not be treated like half a person then have the offenders turn around and ask me for favors. I will not be used, I will not be walked all over, want something from me then you are going to have to treat me with respect and take a cold hard look in the mirror. I am guilty of over analyzing the way that I act and perhaps that's what has lead me down this path but I am contrasted by people that have no consideration at all... and of course the injustices I suffer as a result are all the more frustrating and destructive.
This situation might cost me a lot, I will not give up even fully aware that it will likely cost me my accommodation and some friends, knowing my side, walking a mile in my shoes it cannot be denied that this is a necessity, the foundation I use to build on in my effort to fully learn that which comes so naturally to others - use and abuse of other people in the effort to better ones own position. I am sickened by being forced to play this game but I will do it otherwise I will struggle to get anything I want out of my interactions with others in life.
Low Life
I think this is the day I truly have learned that you cannot avoid problems in life when you interact with other people and this of course is because some people just want to cause problems for you, some people are so conceited they can't see past their own nose.
I have of course turned this negative into a positive, it adds to my motivation, my job search. I will not have these people in my life when I have the option not to and money is a big factor in that because it will lead to having many accommodation options and more importantly the ability to afford socializing. Things are getting better in general but still there are a few hurdles I need to overcome in order to be well and truly on my way to victory.
I like how I occasionally link songs to people, I have linked "Death - Low Life" to two people in the last two months and I cant get the lyrics out of my head when I sit and ponder them "A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING", summed up fucking perfectly.
I will not give in to people that throw tantrums when they do not get their way, I will not let people walk all over me and expect me to turn around and help them out, I will not abide cuntery.
On the exercise front I have struggled to get out to the gym since I moved away from it, I moved last weekend and since then I've had a few drinking sessions and prettymuch wasted my week but I've kept my eye on the prize and will persevere. Unfortunately I've got so far behind keeping the numbers updated on this site that it will be a mission to sort through everything and get the info up, damn I've been slack. Never the mind, onward.
A Chick Named Megan
I am generally a nice guy, I am always polite and friendly towards those I am friends with or really to anyone that I have no reason to hate, but sometimes it has its real downsides because you become the guy that people walk over. If you never take exception to any sleight then HEY! you're that guy. I am that guy. But now is the time to chance that also, people around me are going to learn if they want to be treated a certain way by me then they must treat me said way in kind.
I guess this means the death of nice Travis and the birth of balanced Travis. The end of one thing is just the beginning of another as we know. People that are spiteful towards me, people that treat me like shit can now expect the same from me and there shall be no compromise especially not for the tedious shit that SOME PEOPLE choose to make big fucking issues out of, the very definition of what it is to make a mountain out of a mole hill. It's too hard for some people to exist without the constant chaos of drama and that will leave their lives baron, when all is said and done maybe judgment will be discovered as something that works both ways, although I cannot see why it is so hard for people to judge their own actions as I can. Perhaps that is what it means to be considerate in general and perhaps my considering others as much as possible is something that will go out the window as I live for myself and not for pathetic drama caused by a pathetic excuse for a human being.
.
treated like half a person, humored or included out of some far off feeling of guilt maybe if that can exist in who I have surrounded myself with. fuck people are cunts.
Evolving still
I spoke to someone today, sounds normal? I can't even remember the last time I spoke to someone randomly in public, I walk around with the sense that everyone thinks that maybe I'm scary or something.... Probably because I know that I walk round with a serious face, paranoia perhaps.
I broke a barrier, I wouldn't have imagined myself doing such things but now that I feel more comfortable with myself I want to make my life better and meeting people is a good way to do that. I know that when you meet people the outcome might not really change anything but you have a chance of making a friend or whatever; more of a chance than never talking to people and the risk is worth it, risk of rejection or whatever else, well worth it.
I had a chat with Keegan, a 19 year old woman from Sunnyvale, this is the first of many occasions I will speak to people I don't know.
Rolling the Dice
Sometimes I have found that great improvements come in life through gambling, rolling the dice and letting things get beyond your control, setting in motion events that you cannot stop from taking their course. Let it rain sixes.
Disavow Disavow Disavow
Fuckit I am over trying to salvage shit that is beyond repair.... I've tried to talk nice about my father but the truth is he never did enough to enable me to move forward in life, he did just enough for whatever... Maybe in his mind it was sufficient but it wasn't and in the interest of being fair maybe I didn't do enough to let him know what I needed but again there is another side to that, anytime I ever asked him for anything I was made to feel like he hated me for it and this was a running theme; only on the odd occasion it was simple and this was only when I was asking for small things. I hate this fucking life and I hate my family fucking bullshit and the backstabbing, the cuntery that follows with it and I know this might sound like a normal family but I assure you it is far from it. What can you do when you mother has fucked you up at every turn without consideration for me, what can you do when your sister tells lies about you, lies that she knows will be believed by her father and what can you do when your father never believes you when defending yourself against the shit.
What you can do is forget them, forfuckingget them all forever, stand the fuck up and move the fuck on. I will have my own family, a family of friends and someday a family of my own and then I'm sure these people will want to know me but they will pay for their cuntery and I will have nothing to do with them. fuck their mediocrity, they can have it and I will have my success and share it with only the deserving, only those who have not slighted me repeatedly. I have the power, I know this; now it's time to wield it.
I have learned a lot of lessons on how to be a bad parent and one or two on how to be a good one, all the inadequacies my parents had have been a guide on what to do to be a good parent and so I know that I will be a good father to my future children. silver lining found.
To Breathe in a Casket
In tears... this is cool. I need to move out of my place and I asked my dad to call me to see if he could help, I tried to deal with it on my own so I didn't have to bother him as he helps me so much but I couldn't. I am trapped with no money, no car, no transport and no help... I sometimes wonder if anyone around me even gives any thought to how difficult it is to dig oneself out of this kind of hole. The phone call did not go well and I was left disappointed to say the least... My sister has been spinning stories about me to my old man and the worst part is she just makes things up that are easy to believe, she uses my history to weave lies that paint me in a bad light and the shame of it is that I can't beat my past; not with my family. I am a changed person, I am nothing like the person I was 3 months ago before I began this quest.
I am trying hard to get my life in order but that isn't enough to convince anyone in my family to have some belief in me and it feels a lot like the end of the road. The only question is, will this motivate me to pick myself up and cast off the bullshit and forget about those that do not believe in me? Or will this break me, I am in the minutes after the event and emotionally I am wrecked so I cannot say what will happen when I am calm and logic has it's chance to shine through these dark clouds.
I think that I am at a point of clarity though, I think I have an answer to a question which was not immediate; that was not on the top of the pile. Now I know that I cannot overcome my past as far as my family is concerned, they will always treat me like shit and they will always be ready and willing to believe the worst about me and this only makes me think it's time to cut the cord. I can't stop thinking that anyone reading this would say 'oh that's a shame, you shouldn't do that' etc... but if only you knew, you really can't know that much unless you've walked a mile in my shoes. I have lived a fucked up existence to date and my family life has been a retarded nightmare that saw me the loser of every battle. To be fair there has always been good and bad but I have been the butt of a disproportionate amount of bad. I am filled with resentment for all the shit, I am truly trying to move on and I am changed but it turns out that I cannot overcome my past no matter what I do, so the solution is to find new people where I don't have to bring my past with me, I can just bring the positivity and surround myself with the attitude I have obtained.
I'm sick of the shit talking, the back stabbing and giving everything to be slapped in the face. The time for change is upon us, always; the time to move forward, to move on, to check my baggage at the door, to forget what binds me to a destiny designed by those that only take and revel in selfishness. The time for change is upon me and with it the new me will emerge without the shackles that bind me to my old self.
Some Title
woo.... been farking slack lately, for the first time since I started this quest I took several days off in a row... I think 3 or so, due to eating terribly I was actually 163~ kilos on the last day before I took my break so I expected to weigh somewhere around 165 when I returned, to my shock I weighed 161. I'm sure there is an explanation for this but it is not obvious to me. The reason I took my break was not laziness, it was that I hurt one of my knees recently and was quite sore to walk on and so I thought I didn't want to make it worse so I stayed off it and now it feels fine - this is the second time something like this has happened in the last 2 months but the last time was due to a bang on my knee and I just worked through it sore as it was. I know that for what you want in life you have to work hard, right now what I want is to be close to my ideal weight... this ranks up in the top 2 things I want in my life and so; work hard I will.
I really really really want a job and I am prepared to work harder than I ever have at it. I have made money doing this and that over the years but I have really only ever had one 'proper' job. I worked at a printers as a general hand/storeman, this was casual where some weeks I would work 5 days and others I would work one. I got paid next to nothing and I worked harder than anyone in the place, it was quite physically demanding and I always got dirty looks from the head printer when I went out for a cigarette and serious it pissed me off.... I wasn't skilled in the trade so sure I would earn less but printers stand around 90% of the time doing fucking nothing where I was constantly working all day. I was earning $10 and hour where I'm sure the printers were making 3-4 times that for standing around watching the presses. I have never had a full time job and I know if I got one I would have more money coming in every week to keep me motivated to do it, every payday would be like christmas for the first little bit then I'm sure the novelty of actually having money will ware off but at that point I will be happy and committed to keep going.
the time for change is upon us, always.
Something Unexpected
Lastnite I went out, was invited to the residence of some friends who are prettymuch family to me; we've known each other for 15+ years (two sisters). It was a really good night, relax, drink some alcolols, good music, have a BBQ and just hang out. Felt good to do something normal again, one doesn't appreciate these things until they are no longer in ones life.
Unfortunately during the night I had an argument with one of the sisters because yeah... the reason isn't important but like most arguments it was a bit stupid. Anyway, I found something unusual and something that I hadn't expected to happen - I was overwhelmed by emotion. I lived for so many years without any emotion in my life and as a result I guess I'm just so out of touch that it did overwhelm me. I was hyperventilating and fighting back tears, no shame in that for me; I felt verymuch alive even though it was embarrassing. Looking back on it I can see causality, it's rather obvious that the response I had was a result of not experiencing emotion for so long my mind wasn't use to it; not able to handle it. That won't of course keep up, as I experience more and more emotion I will return to normal because I will once again be used to dealing with such things.
and if it's interesting... we made up and are friends which is important to me because she's a really cool chick and I do enjoy her company ;)
Exception to the Rule
After a couple of really hot and humid days I decided I would take a break for a couple, I wasn't too afraid to do it because the last time I took a day off I came back to the gym to find that I weighed less when I thought I would have been neutral or even put on weight. I have been eating crap but I am not fussed by it as I know that a couple of days of terrible eating will allow me to shock my body into burning fat (that's my theory and I'm sticking to it).
I feel the life returning to me, I feel it coursing through my veins. I am happy to say that there is an end to my depression, I suffered most of my life but it's always been situational. I was always headed downhill even though I was able to have fun in the moment; when my thoughts turned to greater things I would be struck down. I am now in a place where I feel I have put life in perspective; in the way that it works for me. Mind is fit, body is following suit.
LOLHI
A few days ago I was at -10kg from my starting weight and now I am over 12kgs down... I can't believe that I lost another 2kg in a matter of days. I am so excited by this all, the prospect of eventually being at a healthy body fat level for the first time in probably 15 years. There is something to be said for working hard and jumping on a scale every day; it's self-sustaining motivation, I really don't need to work to motivate myself as the results are right there in front of me each day propelling me forward.
10kg's down!!!
In just under 6 weeks I have lost 10kg, so stoked with the results. forward.
uhhhhhhhhhhh
So I tried to not drink but it didn't turn out that way, I went over to a family friends house lastnite and had myself a good time. Got shouted some drinks, a smoke and a really nice roast!!!! Basically my fathers best mate and his family who have known me since I was probably knee high, it must be strange for them to be getting on the piss with me as an adult having known me for so long.
It was a good time and I really needed it, all genuine people and I enjoyed having conversations that were on intellectual substance. I do have an emotional connection with these people and it was good to be able to share myself with them as they shared themselves with me. I so lack that in my life right now... meaningful friendships with caring and genuine people... I say 'genuine people' a lot because that is the only way to describe the type of person I aspire to be and the type of person I aim to fill my life with. But now I am trying to shake a pretty mean hangover... well worth it though.
Three Ingredients
I have found there are three basic ingredients required for an epic change in lifestyle such as the one I am undertaking. Because I am scarcely occupied; being that I am currently unemployed, I am allowed quite a lot of time to think; to really process everything in my life. I must also say that in philosophy I find a great past time and it is easy for me to say that I love to think things out.
#1 Determination. To overcome hurdles such as social anxiety and an abnormal self-consciousness I have had to put a lot into determination and this is not something which doesn't come naturally to the degree required. I have had to build my mind up from the foundation, the will required to get up everyday and go to the gym; to put aside all which holds me back, to suck it up and get it done really has taken a lot. At the start I would say it was exceptionally hard and determination was the key aspect but now I am in the swing of things my determination is really only needed to push harder each day and get a more fulfilling work out. I think that there is a lesson here for everyone, if something within you is holding you back then you can push through it with determination then you will find yourself comfortable through the repetition and normalcy that comes with routine.
Update
woo... Finally got around to updating this site, I kinda lost a bit of initiative over the last week or so because of new years and I really really drank myself stupid and it's been really hot lately and I've been generally lazy as a result of working hard then sweating my ass off all day in the heat.
On another note congrats to Shoel who has the closest guess to my starting weight which was 180kg, my weight was 174.4... Yeah, I am a big bastard; but for how long?
Also amazing news... I had the most random problem that popped up this week as I started to hit the treadmill for longer thanks to my new running shoes, NIPPLE CHAFING. How damn embarrassing... But I have the cure; medical tape friends, medical tape.
To make lowfat yogurt more exciting
add fresh walnuts, that is all.
Renewal
Been a few days since my last post; still trying to shake the cobwebs off, new years was a pretty epic night in terms of drinking and going fucking nuts. Had what some might call a quiet affair although it was far from that, had 5 people at my house and basically drank and smoked ourselves silly. It was one of the more enjoyable new years I've had in a while, lots of fun had and I sure did pay for it as I felt absolutely fucked in the days after. I was pretty dehydrated which is the big killer but I'm back into it now, gym wasn't open on new years day but after my workout on the 2nd things were a lot better for me... guess I had to sweat it out :P
As far as my plan goes the song remains the same, I am still into it and I'm still motivated as hell to get it done. I have plateaued I think... No weight loss for over a week but you know I'm pretty sure it's because I ate crap over the holidays... Kinda disappointed in myself for eating poorly, the holidays make for an easy excuse to eat poorly and I think that weight gain has always been a theme for most of us during the festive season. Eitherway; that is behind me now and I'm glad that I have no excuse to use; to convince myself that I can throw healthy eating out the window. I have decided I will stop drinking for a few months as I always feel it in the gym when I've done something terrible to my body :P next step - JOB.
The conditions are perfect
I spent a long time thinking I had ruined my life and here I am; at the start of turning it around. I'm not sure why I talk so much as I haven't done much yet, I am off to a good start but it is just that; a start. I am welcoming to all things that are positive, I am a non conformist prepared to conform socially and I want it with no regrets.
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The key to life is ATTITUDE.
Latest Posts
round n round we go
Posted by Travis at 02:30AM 20/02/2010
Low Life
Posted by Travis at 12:00AM 20/02/2010
A Chick Named Megan
Posted by Travis at 08:28PM 18/02/2010
.
Posted by Travis at 06:49AM 15/02/2010
Evolving still
Posted by Travis at 04:08AM 05/02/2010
Rolling the Dice
Posted by Travis at 02:18AM 04/02/2010
Disavow Disavow Disavow
Posted by Travis at 02:15AM 04/02/2010
To Breathe in a Casket
Posted by Travis at 02:00AM 04/02/2010
Some Title
Posted by Travis at 03:16PM 02/02/2010
Something Unexpected
Posted by Travis at 08:04PM 23/01/2010
Bits and Pieces
Intelligence has its place in survival and in breeding but beyond that ours is a curse to our species. Knowing all this life must be pointless for me right? Wrong. Knowing these things gives me the clarity to recognize this world as my playground, this life as my dream. In meaninglessness I find freedom, the freedom I need to enjoy my time.
From Chaotic Ramblings Episode 2
What's it all about?
Faced with some serious consequences of an indulgent lifestyle I decided it was time for a change. This site is primarily to serve as a means to record and track the progress of my primary focus right now - getting fit and healthy through exercise and healthy diet. By recording my progress I am able to measure how far I've come. It is also an outlet for my thoughts and an important record of the changes in my life; writing is a mixture of 'diary' and posts directed outward.
Special Thanks To...
Inga, Fabio, George & Gemma from Les Mills New Lynn. Possum. Last but not least my Father, Kerry.
Disclaimer
All writing is UNEDITED and is the result of what some call "stream of conciousness", as such there may be spelling and grammar errors and/or nonsensical passages. It is not my intention to offend anyone so please don't be.
Weight History
» Weigh 1, 02/12/09:174.40 kg» Weigh 2, 10/12/09:172.70 kg -1.7kg» Weigh 3, 17/12/09:169.30 kg -3.4kg» Weigh 4, 06/01/10:165.80 kg -3.5kg» Weigh 5, 13/01/10:164.30 kg -1.5kg» Weigh 6, 19/01/10:161.50 kg -2.8kg
Workout history
December 2009
January 2010