Journal
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Sieben
My dad gave me some money for Christmas (thanks again dad :P) and even though I really wanted to buy an iPod so I could be entertained and achieve better workouts; I bought a good pair of running shoes ;o! Over the weekend I purchased a new pair of Nike Lunarglide+'s and I am very impressed. It is such a relief to have proper shoes for the occasion and they really do lessen impact and are far more comfortable. I have always been a big believer in not skimping on shoes; you really do get what you pay for. The decision itself to goes for shoes over the iPod was an achievement, it lets me know that I have changed and where I really want an iPod I spent my money on what I NEEDED instead of WANTED.... grats me but damn do I still feel like an iPod.
Over sensitive fuckwits have stuck again, I was banned from a certain site for swearing a few times. Funny kids.
disavow your oppressors
Sunday the 27th
On this day I feel and I know where life goes and what I want from life, it is true that this has been ever present in my thoughts of late and although I may sometimes obsess it is always a healthy thing. I see how the dominoes need to line up for me, I have great confidence in what I know to be the path.
What is required for my life is a great many things but they can be clumped into larger goals that lead to the accomplishment of smaller ones, an example is obtaining employment; as a major goal this will be the solution to other problems such as my need to dress better and to have a car one again; to be able to afford socializing. It might sound easy for some but I tell you it is very difficult figuring out how to make friends at the age of 24. I am for all intents and purposes starting my life again, I stand here at square one with vision of the future and although I can see the steps to gain employment I still don't have the answer to my lack of socializing because I've never experienced this before. Of course the way to learn is by doing it and trying new things; I need to figure out how it is that I can be thrown into situations where I would meet new people and have real conversations.
A darkness exists in me in the form of INTENSE loneliness, my soul is crying out for the very interactions we all take for granted. I feel so lost and helpless at times, I ache and yearn for friendship and emotional connection. I have said before that now I am out of the fog that held me back I feel like I have an abundance of feeling and am so alive but being alive isn't enough; we all require what is fulfilling and for me that is the human interaction I have been missing.
In the midnight of my day I dream of her, in dark a softness to revel in, a comfort in eternal emotional perfection, great link of spirit; ascension to that higher place and in it we dwell.
Outside
This is a great day to figure out what you mean to people, I always remembered Christmas for it being a good excuse to get together with family. Growing up I remember a few Christie gatherings which we seemed to have most years, usually the whole family would go to an Aunties house and have a big meal, a drink, a catchup. Always very well done affairs, never short amazing food or places for people to sit or drinks or anything. It was a good family tradition having the whole Christie side of my family gather up. I am quite fond of those memories as I truly care about all the Christie's, I have a lot of cousins around my age; each of my Aunties and Uncles have their own unique personality and are all caring towards you and the family.
Hindsight being what it is I wish now I had looked into what was happening this year, it has been at Auntie Bronwyn's house up in the Waitaks overlooking Auckland for a long time. I love that property, a very nice house with a great section on a cliff with a pool and a massive outdoor entertaining area surrounded by the view and nature; a truly amazing place. I genuinely want to reconnect with my family after being in Sydney for 5-6 years, I think what repelled the idea was my shame; the shame of being so grossly overweight. While families are generally accepting it is the fear of disappointment and judgment by people you want to think highly of you. This insecurity and anxiety is a cancer that has rotted my life, it is the very thing I battle myself to overcome.
I have been strong recently and now I see that although the solution to "dark hindrances" is simple; I haven't yet achieved a blanket cure. I must think out each thing and build my mind to cope, to be outside the barriers and be prosperously functional, this is the road to my happiness. Even though I say this a great change has still occurred; I experience desires which I thought didn't exist in the strength and composition of them. I am embarrassed to talk about this (thanks society but I'll soon overcome that too) but I now experience a sex drive as I never have before and I can connect what I want with how I can achieve it.
Present
Nope. Not talking about the kind you want.
The present is the transition between future and past, it is a real time morphing of reality. This transfer exists at every point in time, in every location of time all simultaneously or perhaps that isn't an adequate thought, perhaps it is better to say that the transition is occurring everywhere in the band of time; the only difference is which you is reading this, you've already read this and you haven't read this yet.
Any given point is the ideal point to connect past and future using your present mind although that is evolving constantly, through every change your mind evolves and experiences this from start to finish of its lifetime. (the change of the mind cannot be measured in time; it can only be measured in change and although those changes come at increments the white time between changes is inconsequential). There dimension affecting changes in the brain comes from outside stimulation which too need be measured in events as opposed to time. Distance between increments may be useful for measuring other unmentioned variables. Perhaps the change that occurs between each frame of existence is a combination of many elements and these vary in importance; it is the combination that exists in circumstance that shapes any change. I wonder if there is a limit to combination? Someone knows I'm sure but my own thought is that although variations may seem infinitely complex there may be a finite combination. Does variation have limit? Imagining if seemingly endless complexity could have a limit... What seems to be complex seems to be to be unfathomable to the end by a human brain.
Forever Balance
There exists difference in everything, I have found that a very important aspect of life is balance; this could be the most important thing in life. When reflecting on situations that lead me to where I am or where I was; I always come back to the lack of balance. The greatest imbalance to affect my life adversely was the difference between gaming and time I spent pursuing things of real importance; virtually all my time versus none of my time. It is easy to look back on this now and see but in truth I always struggled with the thought; it was ever present and I consciously blocked its creeping influence; for me it was easier to fight off the thought eating away at my mind than to do something to cure the thought. I guess that in the end the thought won, I could not keep going as I was and although I managed to keep the thought from dominance it eventually did take hold and for this I am thankful, thankful to the power of my own mind.
I have always been somewhat egotistical and elitist, I know I was these things because in gaming I was amazing and when you're amazing at something; when you're better than 99.99% of people then why not revel in it? There is a very ugly side, a very ugly implication to possessing these characteristics, it's interesting that you cannot be proud of your abilities while being humble; there is no balance to be found between the two. Through my character often people found me abrasive but I always had followers and always had opportunities because people can look past these things through respect or through a more sinister intent to take advantage or to gain for their agendas.
Human interaction is so complex and yet it is so simple, it is easy for me to boil down cause and I often wonder what it is like to be other people; are people perceptive like I am? I think there is a clear cut way to determine intelligence as it pertains to social interaction and that is by gauging a persons ability to manipulate while disguising motive. After all, where it really counts people ultimately want to gain from certain interactions and these are often at the core of what moves us.
Milestones
Today marks 2 weeks straight gym attendance! It really wasn't as hard as I thought and now that I have 14 days under my belt I am well on my way to 300days in a row; cept for the fact the gym is closed on new years day :(! Oh well, will have to improvise; go for a walk etc. Today was also important in that the pain in my feet has now GONE, when I started I had pretty intense pain in my feet; particularly the arches, this has now gone. I did 20 minutes at a brisk walk on the treadmill then 20minutes on a bike and another 20 on the treadmill so overall with today's workout I am stoked, making some progress :)!
Pandiculation
There is something very real out there, something masterful. I often think about possibility and more importantly, complexity. It is a source of amazement to me, this existence and the vastness of it all; the complexity of human life and the variation. I felt something today while I was on the train, something that I had never felt before and that is a very unique experience. I cannot understand exactly what it is I felt but it was new and marvelous; expansive mind and new possibility.
I no longer want the lack of feeling, I no longer want to suffer in solitude. I realize I am behind; at 24 I should be well on my way. The reality is that I am starting from square 1 where I should already be at square 50, the thought to me is depressing and yet still I have hope. I must break barriers; must overcome myself. Future and the delight of uncertainty where possibility is infinite, I must live in this thought; revel in it and believe that what I want exists for me out there; I have to get it.
I feel like crying, after being so emotionally unstimulated for such a long time I have no lack of feeling; an abundance of feeling.
Second weigh in
Getting it done, LOSS OF 5.1KG IN 15 DAYS.
Pushing it
Today was a weight training day so I got that done no drama; I do cardio everyday also and today I pushed myself. Another epic work out and there is a clear difference in my fitness, I did 55minutes of cardio + weight training + 10minute warmup on a bike to bring my total workout to nearly 2 hours. Feels good to keep going for an extended period of time; sure you can go hard for half an hour but I feel much better doing an extended workout where I keep up a constant effort. Payday tomorrow thankfully! Not that it's of consequence really; all my money is spent on food the day I get it lol.
Battle of grams
Every time I jump on the scale the number is less than the last time; feels good to be winning this battle and it's great to be able to see progress on a daily basis. I must say that I have noticed it a little bit, one of my arms was obstructed from running straight down my side but today I woke up and that is no longer the case. I am excited that all I have to do is keep my exercising routine, keep eating right and all these problems will go away. I must confess I did indulge lastnight; I went to hell pizza got a Camembert Salad, Cajun Wedges & a 385ml bottle of coke! I know that on occasion I can consume things such as these and after eating it I had no desire to do that again for some time and the coke was exceptionally sweet to the point it was sickening; water owns. Other than my small break in diet I am going well and occurrences such as lastnights will be rare. I know what I did wasn't great but I am not nailed to a strict diet and moderation of these things is key. I went from drinking 1.5ltrs of coke a day to drinking less than 400ml every 2 weeks, that's an improvement.
Monday 14th feels good too...
Had a really good session today! I booked in to do the 2nd tier weight training "explorer" which is basically where a gym instructor takes you around a selection of equipment and teaches you how to use it and helps to develop a starting point. So I rocked up early and did my warmup beforehand 10mins on a bike to get the heart rate up then George from Les Mills took me around and gave me a good education and helped me sort my shit out (thanks mate). After that I did my normal routine of weight training followed by cardio, all up I was at the gym for 2.5 hours which was good because I was getting shit done the whole time I was there; happy about it.
I kind of dodged a bullet today, I was downstairs preparing some food and I missed a call; it was a good call to have missed. It was my mother who left a voicemail message for me which was basically saying she wanted to know if I would go to her house for solstice... This might be normal or a good thing if my mother was normal, there may be more on this over time but basically my mother only thinks of herself and played the biggest role in totally ruining my life. the last episode was when I landed back home earlier this year; I stayed with her which lasted 6 weeks ending when she called the cops on me and tried to have me removed from the property and arrested FOR DOING NOTHING. Actually I lie... I did do something... I was my own person, I didn't get caught in her usual bullshit and I didn't let her control me, so basically she called the cops because she couldn't bend me to her will. I stood up to the police, stood up for my rights for which they weren't pleased but basically as soon as this happened I was making plans to get out the door and 2 days later I did move out... It was funny however... The next day she came to me and said "Travis, we have a solution for you", "you don't have to move out"; you see her calling the police was an attempt to control. Lunatic bitch doesn't care how many lives she ruins along the way so long as she gets what she wants (what she deserves in her mind).
I know I have gone on about this but I will leave you with one final fact. My mother acts as if she is everyone's savior; often you will hear her say things like "LOOK WHAT I DID FOR YOU KIDS", "I DID EVERYTHING FOR YOU" and yet I spent half of my childhood walking around with holes in my shoes and clothes while she was getting her hair done every other week (and I don't mean just a cheap cut or anything). Oh well, I was actually sailing along fine not thinking about her... now I have to forget again.
Reflection
serenity is watching the clouds listening to death metal and basking in a sense of wellbeing. It's a beautiful day out; it's sunny but not too hot and there is a nice breeze... perfect Auckland day and I've got nothing to do out there :(!
I have been reflecting upon some of the horrors of my former lifestyle, I know that right now I am still massive and I've only just started to do something about it but I choose to look to what the future has for me. My first instinct is to be embarrassed when speaking of these things but that's the old me, getting these things out will serve some purpose for me; I feel it but I can't quantify it.
I am 6ft tall and I am huge. A great many cars have seatbelts that don't fit me. A two seater couch becomes a 1.5 seater when I am sitting on it. I can never be comfortable sitting in a normal chair such as a dining chair and often don't fit into those plastic deck chairs. The world is not made for being like me and it's actually amazing how being huge makes you realize that you're huge. One of the defining moments for me was when I got into a car and the seatbelt wouldn't fit me... That actually scared me but not enough to be where I am today, it took other things.
Whenever I had money I would drink at least 1.5litres of Coke or other "soft drink" every day, I will not miss this!!!! I will not miss the road to diabetes!!!! When I had money I would go out and buy food once or twice per day, each time I would eat enough to feed several people. I regularly bought pizza, I can easily eat a whole large pizza + garlic bread + whatever else. I will not miss this at all!!! I will not miss the road to heart failure!!! I will not miss being unable to buy clothes at normal shops.
Impetus
got it done today sirs. I managed 10minutes on the treadmill with my fucked feet -_- I did a brisk walk pace and a couple of small running bursts then I decided the pain in my feet was too overwhelming... the pain is definitely lessening so I know it's doing me some good. Luck played a part in my work out today; there was a game of football on!!!! I did 40 minutes on the bike @ level 11 (of 20), doing at least 85rpm the whole time and it equated to about a 20km distance which is epic for me! Very proud that I achieved this today if only to prove to myself that I can push harder. I also learned something I guess I knew to be true anyway - when you are entertained your exercise is 10000x easier. I really need to sort myself out an iPod somehow lol... When I am home I have music playing constantly, I listen to some 15~ hours of music per day which is pretty intense. On another note; I looked in the mirror today and I liked what I saw, feeling good about myself these days.
Win a Bruno tshirt!
I have one brand new Bruno tshirt to give away, this is official merchandise. A picture of the product can be viewed here. The shirt size is Large.
How to WIN: All you have to do is guess! Simply post a comment to this post with your guess on what my original starting weight was. That is, the weight I was on 02/12/09 - my first weighing after joining the gym!
Please include your email address as the winner will be contacted by email and announced on this site. Your guess should be in kilograms (including decimal, ie. 000.0kg) & the first (chronological) correct guess will win (or closest guess). Prize will be shipped via NZPOST Track & Trace. Not exchangeable. One entry per person (comments are IP logged). Entries close on December 31st 2009 with the winner announced in the first week of January 2010. Good luck everyone.
Balance
When making the change in my life I was very anxious about a great many things; when you've been isolated for a long time or haven't had a certain experience for an extended period I believe it's natural to worry and to be anxious as I was/am. Being grossly overweight one becomes very self-conscious about the way one looks, I was unable to go out in public wearing a tshirt for years I was so ashamed so I always covered up with a baggy jumper to try and hide myself but I probably ended up looking worse. Only recently I overcame the intense self-consciousness; I am still self-conscious and I believe it's a healthy thing but like most things it can be at an extreme which is unhealthy. Being aware of the way you look and being dissatisfied is a way for you to know that you need to do something about it. Unfortunately this leads to many problems for a great many people, low self-esteem and whatnot has really affected my life negatively and when I was quite young I developed an eating disorder for which I was never treated. The key is recognizing that within yourself exists all the tools you require to improve.
When tackling the task of being confident in a gym I came to a comforting way of thinking on the subject. No matter how disgustingly fat I am, no matter how repulsive I might seem to anyone else it is preferable for people to see me in a gym actually DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT than it is for people to see me in the street or in the supermarket or anywhere. What is important to remember is that it's effective to take a "don't care what anyone else thinks of me" attitude, I've taken comfort in that attitude for a long time now but the reality is that to get on in this world you have to care what people think of you (to a degree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Balance the mind and the body will follow I guarantee.
Beyond Propagation
It has come to my attention now that I speak to people that I have a problem with making eye contact (sorry Inga). Habits from my former self where low self-esteem ruled my interactions. I know that eye contact is a very important part of communication and it is in that spirit very daunting to have to relearn it. Of course I cannot say that I am fearless in this; I am still anxious when speaking with people but with that said I am also 100x better than I was a month ago. I believe the solution to my problem is to talk with more people, this is a hard task when you're an extremely obese guy on an extremely limited income (HOPEFULLY TEMPORARILY). I wish I could go out and talk to a few dozen people a day, maybe I can.. will have to think more on this and certainly figure out how to get myself into social situations.
Had a good workout today, weight training and a good cardio session... I actually ran for about a minute on the treadmill, the first time I've ran in a very long time; still it isn't the greatest idea considering I'm so heavy meaning impact is my worst enemy at the moment, it would really help if I had some proper footwear for such activities but cannot afford such luxuries. Need things.... gotta get a job somehow =/
Crushed
[Thanks Jo for reminding me; I wrote this several days ago when thinking on all the events leading up to this moment in my life] I can tell stories of being crushed, many stories. I always knew I was going wrong but I didn't do anything until a year or so ago when I told my father that I was going to go back home to New Zealand. I gave myself time to deal achieve the only goal that mattered - save enough money to buy a car as soon as I get back. I managed around $2,600NZD which I was pleased with, I had no other worries besides getting a car, I had a free place to stay until I managed a job or benefit.
Three days after I landed I purchased a 1998 Subaru Legacy, I really wanted a station wagon so when the time to move came (and it would come quick) I would be able to throw all my possessions in the wagon and move at the drop of a hat. My calculation didn't however include Subaru's reputation for being the most stolen make in NZ apparently. So 2 days after my purchase I was parked at the Lynn Mall car park sometime in the mid afternoon, I went to the bank for around 20 minutes and when I returned my car was gone. Wasn't insured yet, absolutely gutted. The police contacted me a week or two later to say they had found my car which had its front windscreen smashed, extensive damage to the steering column, smashed windows and console and to top it off the clutch was totally burnt out. Sold for scrap. Crushed.
Hot and Bored at Home ;(
Looking over some recipes at healthyfood.co.nz I noticed every recipe I looked at had a very professional photo of the actual meal; not substituted. Every individual recipe (and there are a lot) is made and then photographed by the same person, Melanie Jenkins. Might Melanie start her day with a shopping list and a recipe? A possible scenario is Melanie can cook and take photographs and that could be her job. Interesting job right? She probably has a whole cupboard full of props, serving dishes and cutlery. I suspect some professional lighting equipment may also be involved...
Friday 11th feels good
I do suppose gym membership experiences a boom in the new year; to what degree I don't know but I'm sure of it. I wonder why people require some event to conjure motivation; now is the best time.
did 5 minutes on a treadmill (I think maybe I need proper shoes to stop the pain in my feet) I am trying to correct my legs by doing this and it is very painful. 25minutes solid effort on a bike at level 11 (of 20) around 90rpm average heart rate of 147 which is in the zone.
...and in the moment 'Rusted Nails Attack' and yogurt with fresh walnuts.. yum.
Chaotic Ramblings Episode 2
I am at a point where I have completely isolated myself socially which worries me, my imperative is to pass on my genetic materials and I've missed out on a lot. I have no doubt now that I possess what I need to achieve this task, one cannot unlearn instinct. The harder part will be traditionally less fruitful and therefore not a prime instinct directive.
I have yet to figure out how to make contact with my future people. I like people who are intelligent; I like to have conversations with people at my level. To me the thing I have lacked perhaps 2nd in life is intelligent conversation. I really can't stand stupid or mediocre or any average person, this includes members of my own family. I want to love my equal and have equal friends, one cannot journey through life alone; desperation and desolation, through these we stumble into dark corners and dwell there. A prison for the soul that we created, which may be a defining flaw in humanity; future generations with hope will be gifted with new tools.
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The key to life is ATTITUDE.
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Bits and Pieces
Intelligence has its place in survival and in breeding but beyond that ours is a curse to our species. Knowing all this life must be pointless for me right? Wrong. Knowing these things gives me the clarity to recognize this world as my playground, this life as my dream. In meaninglessness I find freedom, the freedom I need to enjoy my time.
From Chaotic Ramblings Episode 2
What's it all about?
Faced with some serious consequences of an indulgent lifestyle I decided it was time for a change. This site is primarily to serve as a means to record and track the progress of my primary focus right now - getting fit and healthy through exercise and healthy diet. By recording my progress I am able to measure how far I've come. It is also an outlet for my thoughts and an important record of the changes in my life; writing is a mixture of 'diary' and posts directed outward.
Special Thanks To...
Inga, Fabio, George & Gemma from Les Mills New Lynn. Possum. Last but not least my Father, Kerry.
Disclaimer
All writing is UNEDITED and is the result of what some call "stream of conciousness", as such there may be spelling and grammar errors and/or nonsensical passages. It is not my intention to offend anyone so please don't be.
Weight History
» Weigh 1, 02/12/09:174.40 kg» Weigh 2, 10/12/09:172.70 kg -1.7kg» Weigh 3, 17/12/09:169.30 kg -3.4kg» Weigh 4, 06/01/10:165.80 kg -3.5kg» Weigh 5, 13/01/10:164.30 kg -1.5kg» Weigh 6, 19/01/10:161.50 kg -2.8kg
Workout history
December 2009
January 2010