To Breathe in a Casket

In tears... this is cool. I need to move out of my place and I asked my dad to call me to see if he could help, I tried to deal with it on my own so I didn't have to bother him as he helps me so much but I couldn't. I am trapped with no money, no car, no transport and no help... I sometimes wonder if anyone around me even gives any thought to how difficult it is to dig oneself out of this kind of hole. The phone call did not go well and I was left disappointed to say the least... My sister has been spinning stories about me to my old man and the worst part is she just makes things up that are easy to believe, she uses my history to weave lies that paint me in a bad light and the shame of it is that I can't beat my past; not with my family. I am a changed person, I am nothing like the person I was 3 months ago before I began this quest.

I am trying hard to get my life in order but that isn't enough to convince anyone in my family to have some belief in me and it feels a lot like the end of the road. The only question is, will this motivate me to pick myself up and cast off the bullshit and forget about those that do not believe in me? Or will this break me, I am in the minutes after the event and emotionally I am wrecked so I cannot say what will happen when I am calm and logic has it's chance to shine through these dark clouds.

I think that I am at a point of clarity though, I think I have an answer to a question which was not immediate; that was not on the top of the pile. Now I know that I cannot overcome my past as far as my family is concerned, they will always treat me like shit and they will always be ready and willing to believe the worst about me and this only makes me think it's time to cut the cord. I can't stop thinking that anyone reading this would say 'oh that's a shame, you shouldn't do that' etc... but if only you knew, you really can't know that much unless you've walked a mile in my shoes. I have lived a fucked up existence to date and my family life has been a retarded nightmare that saw me the loser of every battle. To be fair there has always been good and bad but I have been the butt of a disproportionate amount of bad. I am filled with resentment for all the shit, I am truly trying to move on and I am changed but it turns out that I cannot overcome my past no matter what I do, so the solution is to find new people where I don't have to bring my past with me, I can just bring the positivity and surround myself with the attitude I have obtained.

I'm sick of the shit talking, the back stabbing and giving everything to be slapped in the face. The time for change is upon us, always; the time to move forward, to move on, to check my baggage at the door, to forget what binds me to a destiny designed by those that only take and revel in selfishness. The time for change is upon me and with it the new me will emerge without the shackles that bind me to my old self.