round n round we go

Hell is the impossibility of reason; whoever spoke those immortal words surely was wise beyond belief. I have found this to be the ultimate truth, when the ability to reason is an impossibility then hell you surely are in. There is an overwhelming feeling of being trapped in a corner when no one is prepared to make an effort to understand. When a situation arises and everyone is so eager to believe you are in the wrong it becomes the ultimate frustration, a frustration which is wholly consuming. The results of not backing down, of standing your ground and sticking by your principals is that everyone around will hate you. The question is whether or not it's worth giving in just to have some peace but in doing so what you are teaching people is that if they gang up on you they can force you to do whatever it is they want.

I have learned over time that being a nice guy doesn't work in this world, I have always wondered how conceited, shallow, spiteful cunts get along in life and always have more than those of us that are genuine. I have always made the effort to be kind and courteous to those around me and in retrospect I have conceded far too easy, too willing to forgive those who sleight me because I thought that being a kind and forgiving, user-friendly person is the way you move forward in life but I have found by doing this it teaches people that they can walk all over me. As mundane as I find people drama to be I now realize that I must partake in it just like everyone else in order to get somewhere.

My first stand since this realization has turned into an impossible situation for me, right off the bat it was dramatized and the offender used her network to gain support and eventually it all came back on me and no one would listen to realize that her behavior was abhorrent, I am in the wrong no matter what simply because I'm lowest on the totem pole of who is cared about the most. Shit rolls down hill, being the low man by definition means that I cannot win. I have accepted that I cannot win but it is more important for me to learn and persevere, to teach those around me that I will not be treated like half a person then have the offenders turn around and ask me for favors. I will not be used, I will not be walked all over, want something from me then you are going to have to treat me with respect and take a cold hard look in the mirror. I am guilty of over analyzing the way that I act and perhaps that's what has lead me down this path but I am contrasted by people that have no consideration at all... and of course the injustices I suffer as a result are all the more frustrating and destructive.

This situation might cost me a lot, I will not give up even fully aware that it will likely cost me my accommodation and some friends, knowing my side, walking a mile in my shoes it cannot be denied that this is a necessity, the foundation I use to build on in my effort to fully learn that which comes so naturally to others - use and abuse of other people in the effort to better ones own position. I am sickened by being forced to play this game but I will do it otherwise I will struggle to get anything I want out of my interactions with others in life.